I am scared; it is weird to admit that to the whole student body on a platform where everyone knows who I am, but I am scared. Neither a kind of fear that makes you scream and hide, and then you get comforted by your beloved ones, nor the fear when you see a cockroach: shocked but you still somehow manage to kill it, but the one that plagues your mind and soul that makes you start to wonder: is this myself now?
It is a deep visceral fear that speaks no sound, but every vibration it ripples renders you frozen in shame. You will not know when it will strike, but when it does, it buries your efforts in futility, and your failure echoes evermore louder. It is not by any means illogical; it comes from a place that I have refused to see: because I am afraid that in the eternal struggle between me and it, I might be gulped inside.
True, I am afraid.
But I don’t think I am alone. Maybe out there, Many VinUnians are also fighting the same battle as I am, only under different means and different facades. Fast-paced throughout the school under the moonlight at 3 in the morning, I can feel that everyone is fighting their versions of instability and uncertainty: finance, relationships, or the impending future. Walking seems to be a part-time activity deployed to stimulate decision-making when considering what to do next; because, frankly, one wrong move could well blunder you off a cliff. It is a coming-of-age story, where maybe we all hold our doubts and fears about the future. First time away from home, having no parachutes, no one to immediately give us their hands when we fall and comfort us when we hurt; perhaps we are more aware than ever of the challenges life offers ahead.
Even if our family members are there, who constantly help us and guide us on certain paths, there exists an urge to hide away all our stumbles from them. The guilt and humiliation we instinctively undergo might feel unoriginal and off base, yet it stems from the great expectations of our loving family. The dread of being the ultimate disappointment deadens all the senses, once again reinforcing the cycle of falling and fearing your family might find out and eventually, it leads to a dead-end street of depression.
Have you felt a sense of impending doom and panic beyond comprehension? Now, I hope you can see many of us are barely able to manage and keep everything afloat all the time. If you are a sophomore and junior walking idly around the school every night, please remember that you are not alone. There are VinUni Peer Support services available, or you could ask Ms. Lien Trinh for a professional consulting session, or you can even talk to me, just a casual chat, so you can stop to hold everything to yourself for a moment.
And to the freshman entering the school, the reality is you are likely to be bound to feel this way regardless of where you are or what you choose to do. Nevertheless, I am glad that VinUni is a safe place, a playground where you can truly fail and build yourself anew. Trust me, I know it because I have been there. Welcome onboard.
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