‘it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero’
Relationships are so complicated; there are so many problems you don’t know - said everyone constantly in my life.
I don’t feel this way. Not ever.
“Am I that better than everyone or are you just stupid? It is the easiest thing ever, like most things. It is so easy when you know exactly the criteria, the structure, the framework.
I can see clearly what the problem is between you and your partner: unhealthy attachments. You are too insensitive: a cold ignorant heartless person, and your partner is weak and inferior, incapable of overcoming past traumatic events. And I am, without a doubt, perfect. The living embodiment of superiority, a divine inspiration sprung into existence.
I am all that is right in this world, and you are not.”
I felt like I was in pain all the time, so unimaginably miserable and verklempt because you have greatly disappointed me. And you, and you!
I craved someone who is able to love me and care for me the way I so brilliantly cared for them. I wanted someone to see me for how intelligent I am, and capable and strong I have been, and reward me for this caliber.
But you, by your carelessness and apathy, hurt me, they killed me. Then I was so depressed, I didn't know what to do with myself. Because the fault was only yours, not mine, yours.
And then eventually, everybody left, and then I cleverly declared that they didn’t care enough about me in the first place, what a repugnant person!
Needless to say, I have changed now. By how much?
I have never been in a relationship with anyone before, not by default but by admission. I have always managed to find something wrong; whether I don’t think it will work out, or just completely ignored the person.
All in an effort to protect myself from pain, to get that sweet tender love. All in an effort to not look and reflect at myself: to stay perfectly vulnerable in an impenetrable shield.
I projected my pain onto everyone I could grab hold of, pushed it down their throat as if it was their problem, and shame them if they could not bear it any longer. And the guilt grew stronger and stronger.
So, they left, feeling so exhausted by me, and I asked them what I have ever done to them other than love and cared for them. Only silence is what I heard; they all didn’t know how to respond.
Maybe it took losing the person I cared for the most in this world for me to look at myself again. I fought with my sister on my birthday: I had to sit down in the middle of a hallway to break down.
I cannot say I have learned exciting revelations that change the world, but I did learn that you have to take care of yourself. Not in a sense that “Nobody cares about you”, but in a sense that you must first learn how to love yourself.
Easier said than done, I should know.
Looking back on it now, I don’t know what went wrong, or why I was the way I was; it is just a series of events which absolutely made no sense. Most people just say, if you want to live peacefully, stay away from Thang. It is funny.
I know the incoming students are trying their very best to achieve some sort of goals they have set in mind, academically, career-wise, or any big thing one could dream of. But probably in these 4 years you will change too, in a way that will astound you, so fundamentally you can barely recognize your old self anymore. And it is normal, part of growing up - It is something we will all experience.
Maybe you will fall in love, make new friends that are so different from your old ones. Maybe you will lie to yourself that you like what you are studying or force yourself to work for that grade that is absolutely meaningless to you. Maybe that is the experience you will have to live through to discover who you are. Regardless of what it is, I know that you will have a good time.
For me, I know now that love might just not for me. At least at the moment.
And if you ask me again, do you think relationships are hard?
I would still say no. The hardest part is on you.
To all the people that had the unfortunate luck of meeting the old me,
I cannot say that I am sorry, because truly I did what I thought was true. But what I want to say is that what you did was right: you weren't the one being selfish. I was.
I hope you are okay.
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